No Vacancy

I’ve been staring at this blank screen for over an hour now, trying to sort through the maze of emotions in my heart. I am stuck in between the realms of letting someone go and holding on. The argument of course is battling back and forth between my heart and my head. My heart says, “Hold on. Tell him everything, make him see exactly what it is you feel. If it lasted this long, why not take a chance?” My head on the other hand says, “Let him go. You had a great time, lots of fun but he doesn’t feel the same as you. You can still remain his friend.”
This battle has been raging between the two for awhile now. Days earlier I had talked to him, discussed what we were and it came down to friends because of the distance. Distance. The feelings I have for someone who I have spent months with learning his quirky habits, seeing him naked, sharing my secrets with, spending countless hours, days, and weeks with, all of those feelings that I have for him must be stopped because of distance.
At the time that it was decided, I was hurt. Yeah, it sucked big time but I was content with just being his friend. And we talked that night and hearing his voice and just acting like a complete dork with him brought it all back. But I reminded myself, you can’t hold these feelings anymore. You must suppress them. Feelings though don’t go away overnight and believe me, I wished they did. Now whenever I text him or try to talk to him, I feel as though I am bothering him. He says I am not, but it still digs in me like I am. Maybe I should just chalk it up to me over thinking things like I always do. Maybe I think that because I have to force my emotions away.
Don’t get me wrong, I probably sound like a whiney girl who is nursing a broken heart, cursing men and wondering what it is that I did wrong. I have had my fair share of break ups where I have been the one shattering someone’s heart and also having my heart broken. Yes break ups suck, but what is going on now isn’t a break up. There wasn’t a fight, or someone not liking the other anymore, or someone meeting another. It was two people who met, became friends and from there feelings grew but there was never a label put on the two. Now its just two people who are living states away who aren’t continuing on. So maybe it is a break up. All I know is that instead of feeling sad, I just feel upset, angry almost.
I feel like what we had was something great. I connected with him on so many different levels and its like we are letting distance get the best of us. Yes, long distance dating is a pain in the ass and he even asked me if it was realistic. Honestly I believe it is. If two people who truly care about each other, like each other and are willing to try it, then why not? Why can’t long distance work? People do it everyday and there are success stories. I wasn’t asking him to marry me or anything, but I think what I was wanting with the long distance was a chance. Instead the towel gets thrown in the bag.
This guy that I keep mentioning, he is a wonderful guy and whatever it was between us, relationship, not a relationship, whatever you want to label it, was the best thing that I have been in. Maybe that’s a reason why I haven’t been able to just turn my back on him, to just let him go.
After writing this though, I know how it ends. I realize that if he doesn’t want to try to be together with the distance then it wasn’t meant to be. I have to let him go. I have to accept the fact that this is it, that this is the end of our chapter. As much as I don’t want to, I have to move on.
And who knows. Maybe one day I will meet the guy that wants to take a chance with me. Maybe he will be like all the clichéd ’80’s movies where the guys stands outside the window with a boom box…nah that’s pushing it. So for now I guess I am putting my heart on the “No Vacancy” sign.