No Vacancy

I’ve been staring at this blank screen for over an hour now, trying to sort through the maze of emotions in my heart. I am stuck in between the realms of letting someone go and holding on. The argument of course is battling back and forth between my heart and my head. My heart says, “Hold on. Tell him everything, make him see exactly what it is you feel. If it lasted this long, why not take a chance?” My head on the other hand says, “Let him go. You had a great time, lots of fun but he doesn’t feel the same as you. You can still remain his friend.”
This battle has been raging between the two for awhile now. Days earlier I had talked to him, discussed what we were and it came down to friends because of the distance. Distance. The feelings I have for someone who I have spent months with learning his quirky habits, seeing him naked, sharing my secrets with, spending countless hours, days, and weeks with, all of those feelings that I have for him must be stopped because of distance.
At the time that it was decided, I was hurt. Yeah, it sucked big time but I was content with just being his friend. And we talked that night and hearing his voice and just acting like a complete dork with him brought it all back. But I reminded myself, you can’t hold these feelings anymore. You must suppress them. Feelings though don’t go away overnight and believe me, I wished they did. Now whenever I text him or try to talk to him, I feel as though I am bothering him. He says I am not, but it still digs in me like I am. Maybe I should just chalk it up to me over thinking things like I always do. Maybe I think that because I have to force my emotions away.
Don’t get me wrong, I probably sound like a whiney girl who is nursing a broken heart, cursing men and wondering what it is that I did wrong. I have had my fair share of break ups where I have been the one shattering someone’s heart and also having my heart broken. Yes break ups suck, but what is going on now isn’t a break up. There wasn’t a fight, or someone not liking the other anymore, or someone meeting another. It was two people who met, became friends and from there feelings grew but there was never a label put on the two. Now its just two people who are living states away who aren’t continuing on. So maybe it is a break up. All I know is that instead of feeling sad, I just feel upset, angry almost.
I feel like what we had was something great. I connected with him on so many different levels and its like we are letting distance get the best of us. Yes, long distance dating is a pain in the ass and he even asked me if it was realistic. Honestly I believe it is. If two people who truly care about each other, like each other and are willing to try it, then why not? Why can’t long distance work? People do it everyday and there are success stories. I wasn’t asking him to marry me or anything, but I think what I was wanting with the long distance was a chance. Instead the towel gets thrown in the bag.
This guy that I keep mentioning, he is a wonderful guy and whatever it was between us, relationship, not a relationship, whatever you want to label it, was the best thing that I have been in. Maybe that’s a reason why I haven’t been able to just turn my back on him, to just let him go.
After writing this though, I know how it ends. I realize that if he doesn’t want to try to be together with the distance then it wasn’t meant to be. I have to let him go. I have to accept the fact that this is it, that this is the end of our chapter. As much as I don’t want to, I have to move on.
And who knows. Maybe one day I will meet the guy that wants to take a chance with me. Maybe he will be like all the clichéd ’80’s movies where the guys stands outside the window with a boom box…nah that’s pushing it. So for now I guess I am putting my heart on the “No Vacancy” sign.

Spinning Love

Three hearts all tangled in a web
Waiting for fate to decide their end
The ticking of the clock gets louder and louder
As each heart breaks more by the hour
One heart is stuck in the middle torn between two
While the others wait endlessly for one to choose
The choice is not easy and never shall it be
Love can make us blind and even make it hazy to see
Exactly who it is that we want for us
So onward we carry, sometimes getting fooled by lust
Each heart will in the end feel some pain
Unfortunately that happens in the game
Now heart one never wanted it to come this
Content with heart two until felt heart three's kiss
Love grew from one's heart unto the others
And now one has to choose between two lovers
Who will one choose when its all said and done?
Or will heart two and three decide to move on?
Heartache it seems to be with love and war
Each leaving with aching wounds and a heart that is sore...

Changing Tides

A sail boat floating along the sea
With waves of changing blues and greens
All alone he stands aboard
Questioning his life and Lord
A light shines from across the coast
Beckoning him closer like a ghost
His heart weighs heavy on his chest
While his mind is begging for eternal rest
Winds pick up and the clouds turn gray
A raging storm is on its way
A battle filled with saints and sinners
Where only one can be a winner
Dancing closer to the edge with each step
Below awaits an endless depth
Two more steps will mean the end
No cry for help will he be able to send
He looks to the sky above
Dreaming only to join his love
Angry rain falls from the clouds
Thunder roars a little too loud
A gust of wind takes control
Spinning the sails like a fish in a bowl
The only reminder left is his coat
As all alone drifts his boat.

Emotions raw, I feel a lot like this book. Some pages are bent, others torn, a cover worn out from years of being passed by different hands. Many eyes have judged and claimed, “It’s not good enough” and tossed aside is now where it lays. Will there ever be a reader who sees it with a different light? A soul that can speak its secret language and explore the hidden talents within?

Lonely this book awaits, anticipating the arrival of someone new, hoping for it to be a kindred spirit, one who is a lover of words. One who is a lover of words written in between the book’s tattered seams.   

Unsaid

Hello my friend, we meet again.
How's your life?  How have you been?
You look great, just like in my dreams.
No, I am no longer grasping for the seams.
Yes, I still feel you when I turn out the lights
And of course I still miss you most on lonely nights.
You look happy and I heard you moved on.
It doesnt stop me from wondering what went wrong.
Seeing you now, standing right there,
Makes me feel emotionally bare.
How is it possible for this much time to pass
and for my love for you to still last?
Remember the times we had before?
The ones before the slamming of doors?
I think of those from time to time...
Mostly when you are stuck on my mind.
Tell me dear, do you think of me?
Do you ever wish that you didn't leave?
Of course you don't, how silly to think.
Our once strong love was destined to sink.
Yes, I agree it was nice to see you too
And again I wish you welll in all that you do.
No I won't glance back as you depart,
But I will miss you in my heart.
All these thoughts swirl in my head,
Forever left to be unsaid

For The Winning

Slow down dear lover, your're blowing your cover.  Come back and lie here with me, let's drift away like a boat carried out to sea.  I don't care if the world fades away, I am in need of more reds instead of shades of gray.  Tell me my love, what do you see above?  Are there clouds and birds flying or have you given up trying?  Kiss me dear boy and my secrets will unravel, take my hand and away we will travel.  Anywhere you dream of we can go, no matter how far, wide, high or low.  This world is ours for tonight, we can dance around the stars just promise you will hold on to me tight.  In such a short time we must bid one another goodbye,  but worry not dear friend, this isn't quite the end.  Do you hear that sound?  It's your touch on my skin that makes my heart pound.  Around and around, you've got my head spinning, around and around, my love is yours for the winning.